Rules for a Homecoming

WARNING to the Service Men who are Returning from Being Away on Deployment

Some things to keep in mind as you return home from your adventure. You will have to be very patient with your wife as she adjusts to your presence after all the time she has spent without you there.

1. As soon as you walk through the door, take out the trash immediately, as she is sick of doing it.

2. Do not be alarmed if she jumps over the couch and runs 60 miles an hour to get to the telephone when it rings, she thinks it is you calling, and that is one call she isn't going to miss!

3. Forgive her for any nightly beatings that may occur to your body. This thrashing that happens is because she is used to having the bed all to herself. In extreme conditions, she may start screaming thinking you are someone she doesn't know and she may even call the police to report she is being robbed. If you are attempting to make love to her, you may be in jail on rape charges until she realizes you are her husband and are home from overseas.

4. Dinner time will require some adjusting. Do not say a word if she cuts up your meat before she puts it on the table. Ignore the fact that there will not be a place setting for you. You may not even have a chair to sit in as she has probably used it to reach those high things in the cupboards that you used to get for her. Do not expect home cooked meals. She is used to making quick foods and kids T.V. dinners. Although you are looking forward to having home cooked meals, she is not looking forward to making them. You may even find a peanut butter and jelly sandwich waiting for you one night. Just eat it and be thankful it is there.

5. If there is an errand to run, RUN IT! Your life could depend on it. After having to drag all the kids to the store just for a gallon of milk, she may shoot bullets from her eyes if you refuse!

6. You may not understand her language as she has had to speak to the children a lot during the time that you have been gone. What she may say to you if you are complaining about people at work, "Tell them your mommy will come out there if they don't play nice." If you stub your toe, she may say, "Ooh, did you get a boo boo." Bare with her, this will eventually subside and she will speak normally.

7. THIS IS IMPORTANT: Do not walk in the bathroom if she is in the shower. She may suspect an intruder and try to kill you! She forgets you are home!

8. Last but not least, expect tears. Lots of them. Just as your heart is the only thing the military hasn't confiscated, her heart is the only thing that loneliness has not robbed her of. Love that has been saved up for as long as you have been gone is bound to make your wife a tad bit emotional. With a little bit of patience and understanding on both your parts, your home coming will be all that you expect it to be, as long as you follow the rules above.